The female narcissist will often provide endless, incredibly intense sexual experiences for there partner.
They will “mine” you for information on your secret desires and then surprise you by providing them. My ex asked me, with total sincerity, if Id like sex with her and the girl that was my my ex at that time, my exact response was “of course I would, I’m a man, but DO NOT for one second think of doing it! It will end badly………… whatever image you have in your head of how it will all work out is WRONG” Why? she asked “look, you would not be suggesting it if the image in your head had any reality included in it!”.
Two months later on my birthday (slightly drunk and drugged) into the bedroom walked my girlfriend and my ex, both in basques and stockings…………. and well ultimately it did not end badly – it ended horrifically badly.
It must be noted that this would have required a HUGE amount of effort and coercion to achieve. My ex had never had a threesome, was not bisexual, had never put on a basque in her life and was very shy talking about sex. It must also be said that it had an unexpectedly liberating effect on my ex, who suddenly had a whole new playground of “stuff” to explore which she dived headlong into. LOL.
As you know we men are quite simple creatures in certain respects and a man who is getting his sexual fantasies fulfilled every night will put up with a lot of shit in other aspects of his life!
This technique was used by both of my narcissistic girlfriends. Additionally both of them would not have sex without being fully decked out in basque, suspenders, stockings, high heals and usually other accessories like glasses or jewellery, they would each take up to 3 hours to “get ready” for sex i.e get dressed, do hair and nails etc.
Neither of them would give a blowjob without first checking there red lipstick was perfect AND, tellingly, it was important to both of them that you WATCHED them doing it. There performance had to be observed and appreciated visually, almost as if you were watching a play or something. That seemed as important, if not more important, than the pleasure it gave you. In retrospect it was more important, the pleasure it gave you was largely irrelevant, but appreciation and admiration of how good they looked whilst doing it; now that WAS important!
If I was not watching my ex would often get MY telephone and take photos / video of her “performing”, without telling me. That way I would find them later and could “appreciate” her later i.e. tell her how good she looked.
Specific sexual experiences were never used as a direct “making up” for terrible behaviour, nor was it used to “soften you up” for abuse that was to come. It was used more generally as a balance to keep the relationship as a whole just on the right side of tolerable (tolerable being a relative term). There was a clear and direct correlation between how bad things were and the frequency / intensity sex. The problem was; as the relationship began to get seriously off the scale abusive – the sexual intensity had to follow suit to keep things in balance. This ended up with sex involving large amounts of drugs, taking 12 to 18 hours and my ex stabbing wildly in the dark at things that might be “his sexual fantasies” (that Id not told her) but were defiantly not.
I do think, however, that many female narcissists would employ a much more direct abuse – sex / sex – abuse tactic. Both of my narc’s had incredibly high sex drives full stop, I think this limited there ability to specifically target sex as either a reward, an “apology” or a softener. I believe this is also the reason neither ever withheld sex as a method of control – they were not going to deny themselves something THEY craved.
Ultimately, like any activity that involves very high levels of dopamine, addiction became an issue; or to me more truthful – addiction took over. We would have had the most terrible day – both of us in tears after screaming at each other for 12 hours, night would be falling and one of us would straight out casually say “Do you want sex?”. The argument would end and my she would go off to get changed; there was an unspoken but fully acknowledged acceptance that we were by now, addicted to sex. This had unforeseen consequences for my narc as it meant she had lost that element of control – she knew – that I knew – if I left her she would still come for the sex; which is exactly what happened. She moved out of my apartment but regularly returned just for sex.